Even back in my youth, I was as I am now. Alone. For some reason, nobody came up to me and said anything at all. School just brought out that problem. I was bullied even in the youngest days of kindergarten. I was pushed around and had to rely on the help of others just to get some peace and quiet. I was very lonely, everybody always complained about helping me regain control. I still remember those years, and things didn't get better. I always had my classmates hate me for every little error. I was so cold and alone back then, that I sought refuge in my home. Then about second grade everything went from bad to worse. One of the bullies that punished me every day got what he deserved. He was picking on me, calling me names and shoving me around for no reason, but when I asked for the help of the people I thought I could call friend they didn't come to my aid. I begged for the help of the teacher but even she shot me down calling me a crybaby. Finally I snapped and slugged the kid in his face so hard that his glasses broke, glass impaling his eyes. I was so sick of them tormenting me and I wanted it to stop. I thought that I had done all I could, and what did I get? Expelled.
I was homeschooled for about a year. I was expelled near the end of second grade, making me basically repeat second grade in homeschooling. My mom tried to get me to focus but I had already delved into my stress relief. I started gaming at only the age of two and was beating my uncle with no problem at 5. I was a born gamer. I didn't even care about school. All it was, was work and pain. My mom gave me no rest, pushing my little brain way to far. I was only in second grade now, but I was doing the work of sixth graders. Still I pushed onwards, trying my best before finally getting back into actual school. They let me back in and I started on third grade, breezing through with my intellegence shining bright. I had a whole new set of classmates, seeing the old bullies move onwards and away from me. I thought that things would change for the better already, but they actually got so much worse. I was still exiled for some reason. I tried my very best to talk with people, but nobody wanted to talk to me. Every time I tried to approach a group of kids and try to talk, they'd give me dirty looks and hateful words for no reason at all. I hadn't done anything at all to deserve it though. Third grade was lonely, being just me and my games moving on with life
Fourth grade spawned true hell. We had two new kids coming in. The other I can't remember, but I remember the face and the name of the one that pushed me over the edge. David Hull; the one person I wish I never met. He was the worst possible bully I could've ever imagined. He would lie to everyone about me, spreading words and rumors for a stupid petty reason. He just wanted to prove his dominance by picking on the weakest one. I was already physically AND mentally unstable, and I didn't want to be bullied then. On top of being cold and alone, now I had him destroying my life. Nobody believed my innocence, nobody wanted to stick up for me and even the teachers mistook me for a threat. Eventually, one day I snapped the hardest ever. I attempted suicide. I had enough of it, and I threw down my glasses and clobbered my head into wall, wanting it all to stop. I lay in a bloody broken heap for most of the school day in a darkened corner until one of the teachers found me. I damaged myself pretty badly, nearly had a concussion, and I was bleeding deeply. Rushed to the hospital, I was all well on the outside. But the inside was horrible and wrecked. I was the start of who I am now. Hardened, independant, and alone.
The principle tried to help me make friends and make everything better, dealing with the bully only to have him return so many other times to try and ruin my life again. He tried this more times than I care to count but in the end I prevailed. Eventually I gave up and didn't even care about them and just lived onwards in my life. Sixth grade now and alot of them were a little more mature. I had one friend then that I spent alot of time with. His name was Eric. He knew I had troubles and tried to help, but at fourth grade I had become hardened and almost who I am now. I always told him "Don't worry bout me, I don't need help." and he'd just go on. I spent most of my sixth grade helping out the people that even then still despised me for no reason. They would beg for my help, and like an idiot I would help them only to have them disappoint me by shooing me away to play with their friends. Still though, when they wanted some help I was always there. Usually when I was paired up with someone, I did all the work because they knew that I would. I always though it was building up good karma, but now I think I was just blind. Sixth grade and I actually made friends with David somehow. He saw my struggle for what it was worth and turned for the better. Him and I are really good friends now, usually even hanging out on weekends. We moved on but still I was cold and dying inside. So long I spent alone without anybody, it was all worsened in summer.
Eric went out trucking with his dad and David spent his time in L.A if memory serves right. I did nothing but study and work over the summer. I was all alone, with just my grandparents around. And they didn't even talk to me much. My mom was up at her house that I don't stay at. I stayed with my grandparents at that time. I was bored and lonely, eventually I started preparing for future careers. I studied all my interests carefully and perfected my crafts to my liking. So much I got done, but so much I got done alone. No help, just me and only me.
I got back to school starting junior high. Eric and David had pretty well forgotten about me. They didn't even care anymore though, they had better people to hang out with. That didn't do good for me. My whole seventh grade wasn't as I expected. Being so alone all summer and having my friends abandon me, it did something to me inside. I was cold and utterly brutal my classmates and even the teachers. I proved to be the cold, lonely soldier that nobody cared about. But in my growing age there was much more I was capable of, so much more I could now do that others couldn't which led me to be used again. I performed everything as little as basically doing homework for others to acting as their therapist all the way to full blown herbal treatments, herbology being one of the many things I studied endlessly and it being my favorite interest. But what did I get in return? No thanks, no words, nothing. I was forgotten. I helped as much as I could for them, but they didn't even care. I just got to stand back and watch them continue happily onwards with their lives, going on vacations, having fun parties with friends, even getting relationships. Everything I missed out on
Eighth grade was the same, I was dead inside by now though. I didn't smile or have fun. I just worked and worked, for me and for others. Everybody saw an angel in me, but for some reason, they still didn't want anything to do with me. In the close beginning of the school year though, I found my one true friend. I found my (still) best friend Alex. I met him over the internet, Xbox Live to be exact, and he was the one friend I needed most. He was always there to brighten me up after school. Soon I started feeling a little better by the day thanks to him. I couldn't thank him enough for helping me through the year, and I could finally smile again. I still haven't found the way to thank him for helping me through those tough times, especially when my grandfather died later on in that school year. High school ended better than it had began and I became a little brighter of a man.
Now it's the present but trouble returns this year. Now is the beginning of my Great Depression. Fall was cold and bitter, with me slowly drifting into a deepened depression. My loneliness was cured but now a new threat plagued me. Love...
I realized that it was a necessity to life almost, but I didn't get any from my parents. I hated my mom and I still do, she's corrupted beyond all belief and there's nothing good left in her. My grandma was old and paranoid, and truthfully aggravated me to no end. I noticed that there wasn't any love for me. I started getting really depressed in winter. My thoughts were a swirling black mess. I fell deep into my darkened hole and couldn't get out. Then a glimmer of hope for love came forth to me in an interesting way. I gained my interest in angels at that time. I looked at them as the avatars of hope and light. I set it in my head to find one some day, and maybe my angel could pull me out of the hole I was trapped in. I dream of finding a kind and loving girl to marry, an angel. I still search every day, entering every corner of society to search for what I need most. Alot of things have happened by now, I've helped my only friends, society, everybody at my expense by now and I've hoped that it might lead me closer to finding my angel. With all the terrible things that have happened, I've had the feeling that I might soon run into the angel I need. Now even Alex helps me in my mad quest to find salvation...
Though, even the amount of good I do, bad overcomes. Everything negative you could probably imagine is starting to happen to me one by one and I've done NOTHING to deserve any of it. Even now I sit back while I watch my friends enjoy easy carefree lives while mine gets worse by the day. Dark thoughts encompass my head constantly even nowadays. I can't escape the misery and the pain anymore, but still I find the power to assist and show the empty, happy, shell that everybody knows now and loves. My facade is wearing fast to reveal the dark creature inside, and I've no way to really break it out completely to everybody for them to see what I truely am. Still cold and lonely.
Even my best friend Alex is moving on now, just like the others and I can't help but to still live in this hellish life that I resent. I'm almost unapproachable now, as I was in my youth. I grow envious, jealouse, and even hateful watching everybody show off the great lives they've made. They almost rub it in my face anymore and it kills me to watch. They move on while I'm stuck in my dark hole still. This darkened week for me has brought out the worst storm for me to push through, and now I've lost all the remaining hope that I had. No hope of finding my angel, no salvation left for me now, nothing to even live for. But still I push on, living by my ever-standing life ethics that I've lived with since my deathly experience in fourth grade.
#1: Give Without Recieve
#2: See to other's happiness before my own
#3: Resolve war and never conduct it
#4: Warmly hold out your hand for others
#5: Love without needing any in return
In these codes will someday lead me to my angel, but for now I must fight through the hell I'm in. Nobody will talk to me still, but I've always got something to say if they do. "I'm always here for you" I say no matter their cause, their origin, their past. It's how I am now, and how I'll continue to live my life. It's made me a better person now and I hope that someday I finally find my angel. Though today I may live as a cold, steel knight lookingly blindly, soon my journey may give me purpose, and an angel to protect and love with everything in me.
Thank you for anyone that's read this all the way through. I feel a little better now and I think I can move on for a little longer...
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